


the road to recovery

by captainamericagf



Series: moving forward [2]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-07-08 04:59:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15923372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainamericagf/pseuds/captainamericagf
Summary: You never thought you'd see Joel again. Now he's back in your life and you're both just as stubborn.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> hey yall its me, the writer formerly known as pvedameron. i promised i'd make as sequel and here i am! hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> chapter warnings: language, violence

The arrow notched in your bow tries to wiggle free from the tension, but your grip is stronger. You hold your breath as you aim at the head of the clicker in your sights. It’s standing still enough but every now and then it jerks and you lose your aim. When you’re finally satisfied, you let the arrow fly.

Just as it’s about to pierce the clicker’s head, the damn thing moves again and the arrow breaks on impact as it hits the wall. The noise garners the clickers attention and it starts making noises as it goes to investigate.

“Shit,” you say to yourself.

“Just go stab it already,” says Adam on your right.

His back is pressed up against the low brick fence. Perspiration dots his skin and considering the weather has chilled significantly as you got deeper into October, you have a feeling his leg wound isn’t doing too well. The thought of him getting an infection takes your memory back and you unconsciously touch the left side of your head where your ear had once been. While the injury had eventually healed, you still keep your hair over the side of your head no matter what length it is just avoid the stares and questions.

“I can’t be sure how many there are,” you tell him.

He laughs, but it’s weak. “Like that’s ever stopped you. Afraid I’ll die if you leave me?”

The thought has certainly crossed your mind, but since your relationship is built entirely out of banter you’re not sure what will happen if you express genuine concern. Jokes kept you both at a comfortable distance.

“If only I could be so lucky,” you say.

He laughs again, but it’s followed by a cough. If he doesn’t get help soon, you know exactly how it will end.

After throwing a stray brick and waiting for the clicker to return, you procure another arrow from the makeshift quiver in your backpack and aim again, this time with less thinking about it. Acting fast seems to work and you finally take the clicker down. It twitches on the ground for a few seconds before going still.

“Time to go,” you say to Adam.

He struggles to get to his feet so you wrap his arm around your shoulder as he limps to keep up with you.

Finally luck does appear to be on your side: there’s no more infected around the garage, just decaying bodies with stories you’ll never know. There’s a sedan inside the garage and you go through your routine.

First, check the battery. Upon popping the hood you find it’s not in good shape from rotting all these years. It’s better than most, though, and judging by the attached houses barricades there must have been people living here for a while. Maybe they took good enough care of it.

Second, check the gas. It seems empty when you open up the little door and you quickly find a half full (or as Adam calls it, half empty) gas container that you pour into the tank.

“Why d’you have to be so optimistic?” he says from where he’s sitting shotgun inside the car.

“How else are you gonna get through each day?” you reply. You discard the empty container and close up the tank.

“Don’t know. You just get on my nerves sometimes.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

Third, attempt to start up the car. Emphasis on attempt. You’re not as good as…

You’re adequate. Leave it at that.

But you’re on a time sensitive mission to say the least and if this car doesn’t start you’re not sure what else to do. While you’re trying to hot-wire the car, your head buried underneath the steering wheel you hear Adam give a low whistle.

“What I’d give to ride that beauty,” he says.

You pop back up and spot the motorcycle he’s eyeing. Your first thought is that there’s something else you’d love to ride, but then you flush with a mixture of embarrassment and resentment. All these years and you still have such ridiculous thoughts. If only Adam could read your mind. The teasing would be relentless.

Luck is again on your side and you’re wishing it had been there when a hunter stabbed right through Adam’s leg. The car comes to life and you sit back in the driver’s seat, eyes closed and head pressed against the headrest.

“Thank God,” says Adam and for the first time you hear the fear in his voice. He’d been doing so well at keeping it under wraps that you started to wonder if he even was afraid to die.

You pull of the garage, going slow down the suburban street to avoid crashing into abandoned cars and barricades and part of you starts wondering exactly went down. Not that it matters, of course. The past is in the past and it’s better not to dwell on it. You learned that the hard way.

* * *

 

About an hour later Adam wakes up from a nap and stretches, though he physically looks worse than he did before leaving. In your head you debate the possibility of stopping and looking for any kind of medicine, but it’s at least two more hours to Jackson and you know Tommy’s got the antibiotics Adam needs.

“What time is it?” he asks.

“Got somewhere to be?” you say.

He shrugs. “Just wondering.” He’s silent for a moment. “What if Tommy’s already dead?”

Your hands grip the steering wheel tightly, knuckles paling. It’s something you’ve thought about, but you refuse to entertain the idea for more than just a few seconds.

“He’s not,” you say.

“Bradley said Dirk was headed north-”

You interrupt him rather forcefully. “He’s not dead.”

Adam goes quiet and guilt weighs heavy on your heart. You hadn’t meant to be harsh, but you can’t afford thoughts like that. It isn’t just Tommy – it’s the town. They built up something wonderful and if Dirk burned it all down out of so-called revenge because you couldn’t stop him in time, you’d never be able to live with yourself.

For the next two hours you and Adam sit in a tense silence that gets better over time but still keeps you on edge. The needle on the gas meter starts getting dangerously close to E and if you don’t hurry it up the two of you might end up on foot the rest of the way.

You make it just past the Jackson county sign before car finally hits empty and sputters before completely dying. The town is at least a thirty minute walk and that’s being generous.

“I’ll be fine,” says Adam as if reading your mind. He tries opening the car door but he’s gotten so weak without enough food or water to keep him going with his injury.

“I thought you said optimism is annoying,” you retort as you exit the car and come around to his side. The fall air nips at the exposed skin around your neck and you readjust your scarf to cover it.

He nearly topples to the ground when you open the door but you’re strong enough to catch him.

“I thought I might try out your language for once,” he says.

With an arm around your shoulders you both start off toward the town.

* * *

 

It takes just over an hour to get there. The more walking the more Adam needs breaks and when he does you go scavenging through abandoned stores and cars, ignoring the burning in your own knee. With no time to waste you’re unable to go hunting for a meal, but you do manage to find some old, warm water bottles that at least will keep him hydrated enough.

You’re sure that one of the lookouts has probably seen you by now as you slowly make your way down the two lines of dead grass from the cars going in and out. You hope it’s someone that recognizes you – it’s been two years since you were last here, after all.

Your hair is longer, tied into a braid that always ends up hanging over your shoulder. You’ve got a new scar over your cheekbone from one of Dirk’s generals that will probably fade with time. At this point you assume there’s more people living here, the town home to just over a dozen families the last time you visited. You just hope no newcomer has a thing against Fireflies.

The gate is already being opened by the time you get up there which you’re incredibly thankful for. Adam is becoming more and more like dead weight and you’re practically dragging him along at this point while he fights off sleep.

“Almost there, man,” you say.

He only groans in response, not a single joke on his tongue. That worries you.

“Let them in!” You recognize Maria’s voice but you don’t see her as you move past the guards.

Once inside Adam drops and you nearly go down with him, catching yourself before you hit the ground. He’s still breathing but he’s in bad shape and you start to have flashbacks of a spa and a family and _so much blood._

“Get him to Raina,” says Maria and a couple of guards pick Adam up and take him off into the town which you now notice has definitely grown.

There’s several more houses and at the end of the makeshift street you see one has been turned into a little hospital.

“Hey.” There’s a hand on your shoulder and you turn to see Maria giving you a small, reassuring smile. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah.”

She pauses. “Do I wanna know?”

“I need to talk to Tommy.”

“Figured as much. I’ll go find him.”

You meet with him in a building you don’t recognize but it seems to serve as some sort of armory slash shooting range. There’s a couple of kids practicing with nerf guns and the sight breaks your heart. They should be playing, not training.

When Tommy comes in it’s like a light has suddenly turned on inside you. He greets you with a wide smile and big hug that you return. Seeing him again is like coming home. All your worries and anxieties start melting away until you remember what you’re even there for.

“It’s been two whole goddamn years,” he says, pulling up a chair. “What took you so long?”

“Work,” you say.

He scoffs. “Work.”

“Don’t tell me you’re mad.”

“I was worried sick! For all I knew you were dead in a ditch.”

You shrug, trying to brush off his concern. “Well, I’m not. Do you know how Adam’s doing?”

“No, but Maria told me he’s in bad shape. The hell happened to him?”

“Do you want the short version or the long version?”

“Are you in some kind of trouble?”

You get straight to the point. “It’s Dirk.”

“That asshole? I figured he was dead.”

“He’s not. He’s coming here.”

“Pardon?”

“Short version or long version?”

He doesn’t answer right away and you practically hear the gears in his head whirring. “You know what? I think there’s someone else you should tell this to.”

He leaves and you start pacing the length of the room as you wait. You remind yourself that Adam’s being taken care of, but the entire town is still at risk. You’ve seen what Dirk can do. He’s left a trail of destroyed settlements behind him on his revenge mission and Jackson will be next. You don’t have time for this.

The door to the building opens and closes. At first you’re just anxious to get on with it. Maybe Tommy went to get someone from security, or maybe even Maria. But then you hear _his_ voice.

It’s like time stops. It’s undeniably recognizable, deep and southern and it sends a shiver down your spine when you remember the last time you heard it. There’s no way it’s him, not after all these years. Tommy said he was in Boston with another woman and you should let go of the fantasy you’d ever see him again. “He’s not worth your time,” he told you.

But then he walks through the door dressed in plaid flannel. There’s an occupied gun holster strapped over his jeans on his thigh. His hair is grayer than you remember and there’s wrinkles stretching out his face. But it’s still _him._

“You make me take a day off and now you’re bringing me-”

Time stops for him too, it seems. His eyes fall on you and you start wondering how different and older you look to him. You’re younger by several years, settled in your late thirties, but an apocalypse can age you a lot faster than years. You realize then that you’ve still got Adam’s dried blood on you and you wonder if he thinks it’s yours. Not that he would care. He made that very clear a long time ago.

You’re the first to speak.

“Hi, Joel.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: language

He says your name like he can’t believe it. Maybe he doesn’t. Joel has never been one for confrontation and you have a feeling he probably would’ve preferred going about the rest of his miserable life never seeing you again just so he wouldn’t have to face the consequences.

You thought all your anger was gone. You’d worked through it in some healthy and unhealthy ways, but you firmly believed the worst of it was over. Instead you’re suddenly consumed with rage again and you grit your teeth to try and stay professional. This is a job, plain and simple. Unresolved emotions don’t need to get involved.

“We got a problem,” says Tommy. He turns to you. “I pick the long story.”

You take a deep breath and try to ignore Joel’s gaze the best you can, only glancing at him briefly every thirty seconds before turning to Tommy.

“There’s a Firefly named Dirk who was stationed with a few of us in Omaha. He had this crazy idea that we needed to weed out the weak so that the strong would prevail. Obviously this didn’t go over well with most of us, but he had his little following and they threatened violence.”

You stop to take a breath.

“Marlene knew we couldn’t afford infighting, so she kicked him and all his people out. Said if we say any of them again to shoot on sight. He went into hiding for a while but now that Marlene’s dead he’s decided to come back. His first order of business is killing everyone that opposed him. We tracked down one of his generals in California and he told us Dirk was headed up north. You, Adam, and I are the last ones left.”

“Christ,” says Tommy. He runs his fingers through his hair.

“He’ll do the same thing in every town he goes to,” you say. “Kill the weak, convert the strong.”

“And you’re sure?” says Joel.

“Yes, I’m sure.” You come off much harsher than you intend to and honestly? You don’t regret it. Joel barely reacts and that only infuriates you further. Deep down you want to hurt him just as much as he hurt you.

“How long do we got?” says Tommy.

“Not long. Maybe a few days at most. Adam thought this whole place would be burned to the ground already.”

“Then it’s a good thing we’ve got you here to help.”

You frown. “I’m not here to stay, Tommy. I came to warn you and hopefully get Adam treated so we can go back out.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You know Dirk better than I do. It’s better if you’re here.”

“I know that he’s out there right now, either planning to attack this town or attacking another one.” You point at nothing in particular. “I’m not going to just sit here and wait for him.”

“And what happens when you don’t find him?”

“I _will_ find him.”

“Then why even come?”

Now it’s Tommy that’s on your nerves and it’s already annoying that the two brothers are side by side like nothing ever happened. You still remembered how angry Tommy was when he left Joel behind, how he cursed him out and said he hoped his own brother would just drop dead. It makes you feel like maybe your anger is unjustified or misplaced – no, it’s not. Joel slept with you and took off like some immature guy with commitment issues. He never made an effort to track you down, not like you did with him and you _know_ he knew you were with the Fireflies. Tommy told him after the two of you had been reunited. Sometimes you wonder if you factored into their final fight.

“Why even come?” you say. “You really think I would risk your lives? I needed to warn you.”

Tommy goes silent and Joel doesn’t seem to want to say anything either. You’re left wondering why you even showed up in the first place. Of course Tommy would want you to stay. He’s a family man now. He believes in sticking together and the power of cooperation. But you’ve learned that no one will have your back better than yourself. No matter how much you trust Adam, at the end of the day he could very well leave and never come back.

But at the same time Adam needs to recover, and that’s if he recovers at all. As annoying as he can be, it’d be lonely without him. The two of you have been partnered up for years. Despite your desire to be left alone, you can never bring yourself to actually _be_ alone.

“I’ll stay for the night,” you say. “Then I’m gone in the morning.”

“Where?” says Joel.

“Where?” you snap. “Where fucking else? He can’t be far off and I’m sure I can track him down.”

Tommy softly says your name. “Don’t make some impulsive decision that gets you killed.”

“If I can take him down with me, I don’t care if I live or die.”

Under his beard you see Joel clench his jaw, but he doesn’t say anything. You’re not sure if he’s happy or angry about it. Probably a mix of both.

“Like I said,” you say, “I’ll stay for the night. Doesn’t sound that impulsive to me.”

Tommy contemplates for a moment. “Alright. I’m sure Joel has-”

“I’ll stay with Adam,” you say quickly. “I wanna make sure he’s alright.”

You don’t look at Joel because you’re sure you’ve hurt him. Good. He deserves it for all the hurt he left you with. But you aren’t getting the satisfaction you were hoping for. Somehow deep down those feelings for him still haven’t gone away and _dammit_ you thought they had.

Joel abandoning you fucked everything up. You had stayed on the farm for a few months afterwards, but the place was so big and empty and you had no fucking idea how to work the soil. A few people came by, but you sure as hell didn’t trust a single one of them to stay with you permanently. After the loneliness started becoming unbearable you took off, wandering from place to place, never staying for long. You killed hunters and infected, got captured a few times, collected some new scars, physically and mentally.

And then along came the Queen of the Fireflies.

* * *

No one tries to make you change your mind as you sit by Adam’s side in the small, makeshift clinic. He’s in and out of it from the pain medication, but you’re told he’ll be fine. He just needs rest and time to recover.

Your thoughts, of course, wander over to Joel. You’ve got a lot of time to think in the uncomfortable chair next to Adam’s bed while he sleeps. Questions swirl around in your mind. How did he get to Jackson? Didn’t he and Tommy hate each other? You’d gotten a summary of their blow out, but Tommy didn’t talk a lot about it after then. There was just a new understanding between the both of you.

And of course you have to wonder, how does he feel seeing you again? Remorse? Regret? Relief?

Nothing?

You’re not sure which one is worse.

“Deep in thought?” says Adam. His voice is groggy and he rubs at his eyes.

“I told you Tommy was alive,” you say.

“That’s just a coincidence.”

“Mm-hmm. How’re you feeling?”

“Like I almost died of septic shock.”

You grind your teeth together, realizing how close he’d been to death. Somehow he had ended up your only friend in this godforsaken apocalypse and losing him would be like losing a brother. Maybe even worse.

“You saved my life,” he says. “Again.”

“You act like that’s a bad thing.”

“Maybe it is.”

“If you’re thinking you don’t deserve to live because you’ve done bad shit then you should really considering shutting the fuck up.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Oh, really?”

“Yes, really. There’s not a single person out there who hasn’t done bad shit.”

There’s a beat of silence. “I highly doubt babies have done bad shit.”

Somehow you end up cracking a smile. “You’re impossible.”

“That’s why you love me.”

“You make me so glad I never had a brother.”

“You make me so glad I never had a sister.”

You bring your legs up underneath you for an easier sitting position. “You can’t just use the same insult. Do better.”

“Fine. You make me so glad-”

“You’re still using the same insult!”

“You didn’t let me finish!”

“I’m doing you a favor.”

He laughs and you join in until his smile dips down into a frown.

“What’s wrong?” you say.

“You’re gonna go back out, aren’t you?”

You don’t like the serious air that’s fallen between you. “I’ve got no other choice, Adam.”

“Can you at least take someone with you?”

“I’ve survived fine on my own before. This isn’t any different.”

“No, it is different, because you’re hunting someone down. Someone with batshit followers who will rip you apart the moment they see you.”

“Have a little faith.”

“Blind faith, you mean. I’m not going to pretend you’re Supergirl or something. You’re not indestructible. And you wanna know my honest opinion?”

“Not really.”

“Well, you’re getting it anyway. I think you want to die.”

You go silent. “What makes you say that?’

“I think a better question is where’s the evidence that you don’t?”

You don’t say anything because he’s not far off. You’re not repressing your darkest feelings or ignoring them. You’re acutely aware that the concept of death doesn’t bother you anymore and if you end up biting the dust, then so be it. This world sucks and you’re tired of surviving just to survive. You’ve got no home, no purpose, no real goal beyond killing Dirk. And what comes after that? You go back to Joel and give your relationship another shot? Not likely. That ship has sailed.

“Just take someone,” says Adam. “Please.”

“I’m not risking anyone else,” you say, “especially someone uninvolved.”

“Then take Tommy.”

“No. They need him here.”

“Then take his brother.”

You scoff. “Hard fucking pass.”

“Look, I know there’s bad blood between you two…”

“Bad blood? It’s not just bad blood.”

“Hey, it’s not like we had a great relationship at first. We hated each other. I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as you. Now look at us.” He gestures between you two.

You sit back and the chair creaks under your weight. “I just can’t.”

“Is it your pride? Or are you just a fucking scaredy cat?”

“Really? What are you, eight?”

“Let’s put it this way: I owe you for saving my life. And I’m repaying that debt by making sure you don’t die.”

“I don’t see where I benefit.”

“You don’t die.” He ignores your dry laugh. “We both know Dirk. He wants us both dead more than anyone else. Do you really think he’ll just kill you if he gets you?”

He has a point. You hate it when he has a point. Dirk has it out for you more than the others. Probably from a sense of entitlement. Men can’t ever take no for an answer.

“If I agree to talk to Joel in the morning, will you just go back to sleep?” you say.

“I’ll sleep like a fucking baby,” says Adam.

“Then fine.”

“Great!”

“Great.”

Eventually Adam falls into another deep sleep. Moonlight streams through the windows. You doze off in the chair, anxious about what would happen next.

And terrified of how inexplicably excited you are.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, i wanted to get this out sooner and make it longer but i've been struck with laryngitis and i didnt want to wait any longer lol. thanks again for all the sweet comments!! it means the world to me.
> 
> chapter warnings: language

Joel’s house looks newer than the others. Tommy pointed it out to you and refused to act as a moderator between the both of you.

“It’s your mess to figure out,” he said.

 _My mess_ , you think. _I didn’t fucking leave._

It’s two stories with some fairy lawn decorations in the front. There’s even a few flowers. Joel never seemed like the landscaping kind of guy, but it’s been years. Things can change. You’ve changed.

You walk up onto the porch and knock on the door, a part of you hoping that he doesn’t answer. It would give you the perfect excuse to just head off, even if it meant stabbing Adam in the back. As much as you wanna give Joel shit for avoiding confrontation you somehow end up doing the same thing. But then the door opens.

And it’s not Joel.

A girl?

She looks to be in her teens, dark hair pulled into a ponytail and freckles dotting her face. His…daughter? That’s not possible. It hadn’t been _that_ long since you saw him and you were the first person he was intimate with since the outbreak.

“Hi,” you say slowly, a little uncertain. “Is…Joel here?”

Maybe you ended up at the wrong house. There are more here than the last time you visited, making it easier to get confused.

“Who wants to know?” the girl asks with narrowed eyes.

You give her your name. “I just need to talk to him.”

The moment she hears your name her eyes widen and the air changes. “ _You’re_ her?”

You pause. “I’m…me.”

“I’ve just heard so much about you.” She moves aside so you can come in. “I’m Ellie, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Ellie. I’m guessing that means Joel is here?”

“Out back.”

You follow as she heads through the house, her footsteps quiet as she practically slides across the floor with sock covered feet. She leads you out to the backyard where Joel is busy cutting up some logs with an ax. The sleeves of his flannel shirt are rolled up to his elbows, exposing his muscular arms. He glances at Ellie.

“You’re supposed to be at school,” he says before chopping another piece of log in half.

“It’s a…day off.” She’s clearly lying and she’s not good at it.

“Uh-huh.”

“Besides, you’ve got a visitor.”

Joel fully turns around then and the moment your eyes meet the air thickens to the point where it’s suffocating you. Even Ellie seems to notice, judging by the way she suddenly wants to leave.

“I’ll…leave you guys to it,” she says before quickly going back inside.

“I see you’re still here,” he says.

“You sound surprised. Maybe you’ve forgotten I’m not the one that leaves.”

He pauses as he wipes sweat off his brow, but doesn’t say anything. In all honesty, what do you want him to say? That he’s sorry? That he’s missed you all these years? Do you want him to confess his undying love for you? No, none of that would fix anything. It might even piss you off even more. But the silence – that kills you the most. Maybe he doesn’t even feel bad about it. Maybe he never even felt _anything_ for you. That’s what breaks your heart the most.

He drops the ax onto the ground and walks past you back into the house, you on his heels.

“I’ve thought about what Tommy said and he’s right,” you say as you follow him into the kitchen. “I shouldn’t go alone.”

“You want me to go with you.” It wasn’t a question.

“Not really. But you’re probably the toughest bastard here.”

He scoffs like he’s angry with you. How the fuck could he be angry with you? _He’s_ the one that left.

You wait as he wipes off his face with a wet towel and drops it on the edge of the sink. Much of the kitchen looks like the architectural version of Frankenstein’s monster. Cabinets are mismatched and while there are some appliances, they look on the verge of falling apart.

“This was a shitty idea,” you say heading toward the door.

 “No, it’s not. It’s a good idea.”

You stop and face him. “Then what’s with the attitude? Do we need to recap what happened?”

“I remember what happened.”

“Then why does it feel like you’re angry at me?”

“I’m not.”

Your temper flares. “Then maybe stop acting like a fucking dick. This town is in danger and I don’t need you being pissy right now. I need someone who’s willing to make tough, morally questionable choices otherwise this entire town is gonna get wiped out. Do you understand?”

“I got it,” he says as he pours himself a glass of water.

“Then are you gonna come with me or not?” He doesn’t answer, choosing to examine his boots. “It’s about the girl, isn’t it?”

He’s quite as he speaks. “I promised I wouldn’t leave her.”

For some reason you’re irrationally jealous of Ellie. He wouldn’t settle down with you, but this girl’s got him wrapped around her finger? You and Joel went through so much shit together. You’d gotten him to let down his guard. You _saw_ him, the Joel that existed before the outbreak. But it’s some _girl_ that gets his full attention?

But at the same time it’s stupid. She’s a teenage girl and clearly there’s history you don’t know. Maybe she got Joel to change even more, to see what’s in front of him before he loses it instead of running off. And if Joel’s changed for the better, then why are you so desperate to run away?

Joel must’ve realized how it sounded and he runs a hand over his face. “Would it mean anything if I said I was sorry?”

“Would you only say it if it meant something?” you challenge him.

He sets down the glass and puts out his arms. “Alright. Let it out.”

“Let what out? Every thought I’ve had since you fucking left me? The anger, the guilt, the resentment? Do you have any idea what you did to me? And for what?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Fuck you, Joel.”

He raises his voice. “I was wrong, is that what you want to hear?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

You don’t realize how close you’ve gotten to each other until his warm breath is on your face. “Did you love me?”

He says your name and you’re close to melting. It’s a voice you know all too well, low and quiet. You’re suddenly back in your childhood bedroom, underneath him as he kisses every inch of your skin.

Before he has a chance to answer, Ellie walks in the room.

“Sorry to interrupt whatever….this is, but Samantha says she needs some help unloading the truck.”

Joel looks away and you back off, wondering where in the hell that conversation was going to go. Would you have kissed him? Would he have kissed you? Or would he tell you he never loved you and you’d have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life?

You’ll never know.

Joel leaves and Ellie disappears into a different room, so you go out the front and sit down on the porch steps. You spot Joel down the street assisting an elderly woman. You can imagine that he’s pretty in demand. Despite his age he’s still in great shape and just as handsome. You’re surprised no one’s snatched him up yet.

Your breath catches in your throat. Maybe someone already has.

Not that it matters, you have to remind yourself. If Joel goes with you and everything is successful, you’ll come back to Jackson, pick up Adam, and be on your way. If anyone is leaving this time, it will be you.

You rest your face in your palms, elbows digging into your thighs. If Joel wasn’t here, things wouldn’t be so messy. You’d be gone by now. Maybe you’d even have Dirk in your crosshairs. But for some reason you’re still here and sitting on Joel’s porch wondering what in the hell has gotten into you.

You’re better than this. You don’t need anyone. You’re fine just by yourself. But then why can’t you just _leave_?

“So…not that it’s any of my business, but what happened between you two?”

You must’ve been so deep in your pity party that you didn’t hear her come out. When you glance over your shoulder you see her keeping her distance, something you appreciate. You move aside so that she can join you, which she does.

“What’s he told you?” you ask.

“Not much. I mostly got everything from Tommy, but he didn’t give any details.”

“Long story short, Joel’s an asshole.”

“Yeah, I already figured that out.”

You laugh humorlessly. “How’d you meet?”

She wraps her arms around her knees. “Back in Boston. Marlene wanted him to take me to the Fireflies.”

“You knew Marlene?”

“Yeah, she practically raised me.”

You remember Marlene mentioning an Ellie a few times, but you never really questioned. It was none of your business.

“How do you live with him?” you ask.

She chews on her bottom lip in thought. “It has ups and downs but…at the end of the day, I know he’s got my back.”

“That must feel nice.”

The anger you just held toward her melts away when you realize how childish you’re being. If Ellie was raised by Marlene, her parents must be dead and with Marlene dead, Joel is all she has. If he goes with you, you don’t know if you’ll bring him back. But if you don’t take out Dirk, Ellie will have two choices. Kill or be killed.

“It was nice meeting you, Ellie,” you say as guilt starts to weigh down on you.

You don’t wait to hear her response, instead approaching Joel a second time.

“Thank you so much,” says the old lady as he pulls out a rare case of water.

“Any time, ma’am.” He sounds so much more casual than he used to, even with people he’s not closely bonded with. It makes you wonder what your relationship would be like if he hadn’t left.

“Can we start over?” you say.

He turns to face you, skeptical. You don’t blame him. “Alright.”

You take a deep breath. “I want you to come with me and kill this son of a bitch so he can’t hurt anyone else. You in?”

He almost seemed to think about it for a moment, his eyes flicking to the door behind you toward Ellie before finally answering.

“I’m in.”


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would you look at that, a longer chapter
> 
> chapter warnings: language, gore, mentions of violence

You set out the next day.

Tommy provides a nice car, nice having a completely different meaning post apocalypse. It runs well and has a canister of extra gas in the trunk and that’s more you can expect.

The only lead you have is that Dirk has a base in what was once the Seattle QZ. Since then it got taken over by hunters, and was then taken over by Dirk and his so called army. Your only hope is that if he isn’t there you can at least get some more information and pray Dirk doesn’t make his move while you’re gone. Tommy has already buffed up the defenses, but it won’t be enough. He doesn’t listen to you, though. The guy’s always been an optimist.

You’ve already said goodbye to Adam who is recovering well. Maria promises to watch over him.

“If you die, I’ll kill you,” he tells you before you leave.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” you quip back.

At the car Joel packs a suitcase into the trunk. It’s got food and water and medical aid. If all goes well, you’ll be back in a matter of days at the most. But when does anything ever go well for you? The scar on the left side of your head says everything.

“Why can’t I come along?” says Ellie. You’re leaning against the passenger side as you wait for Joel to finish.

“Because I said so,” says Joel. He closes the trunk.

“That’s a lame excuse and you know it.”

“Ellie, I know you wanna come, but it’s dangerous and you’ve got school.”

She groans dramatically. “I can take care of myself!”

“We’ll be back before you know it,” you offer.

This doesn’t satisfy her and you’re left wondering why in the hell a teenager is so hell-bent on coming along. You’ve already noticed she carries a knife with her wherever she goes and frequently spaces out, but that can be attributed to a lot of things. You just pray she hasn’t seen the worst of humanity yet.

“You’re gonna take care of him, right?” she asks you privately.

You glance at Joel as he slams the trunk shut. “Joel’s pretty capable of taking care of himself.”

Ellie scoffs. “Then ask him about Colorado State University.”

Colorado State University? Why in the hell would the two of them have gone there? To visit some dead Fireflies? “What?” you ask.

“You ready?” says Joel. He places his hand on the roof of the car.

You nod. “I’m ready.”

As you wait inside Joel says goodbye to Ellie. She twists her fingers and looks like she wants to hug him, but refrains from it. He places his hand on her shoulder and lets go before climbing into the car next to you. 

“She’s pretty worried about you,” you say.

He starts up the car and doesn’t say anything.

* * *

It’s silent in the car as Joel drives. An awkward silence. There’s so much left unspoken between the two of you and if you had a shred of common sense, you’d take this time to acknowledge it. But your stubbornness wins as you wait for him to be the one to bring it up.

At the same time, it’s just like before. It’s almost comfortable, if you allow yourself to feel that way. You can pretend nothing’s changed, that you’re still on the way to New York. It’s easy to slip into that mindset to cope.

After a while the silence starts to suffocate you and sitting in the car has made you restless. Your knee starts acting up again, but you don’t have time for a break to get out and stretch. The only choice you have is whether or not to strike up conversation.

“So,” you start, “Ellie says Marlene handed her over to you.”

Joel’s grip on the steering tenses and you absolutely notice.

“It’s…complicated,” he says.

“Got it.” You turn to look out the window. “I mean, it’s not like I’m a Firefly who’s been out of the loop for a while and then suddenly I find out Marlene’s dead and now you’ve got the girl she raised.”

He pauses. “How out of the loop are you?”

“Adam and I are…trackers, to put it one way.”

“Bounty hunters.”

You shrug. “Whatever. We’d been tracking down this guy and stopped at a Firefly camp. That’s when we found out Marlene was killed. Murdered in cold blood. So was everyone else in the building. Anyone who survived isn’t talking. Must have been some real psychopath.”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t say anything else and you fall into uncomfortable silence.

“If you don’t wanna tell me I won’t push, okay?”

After a few seconds of terse silence Joel speaks up. “She’s immune.”

You don’t say anything at first, but then it sinks in. “Holy shit, really? And Marlene’s just been sitting on this?”

“She didn’t know. Ellie got bit and didn’t turn.”

“And I’m guessing Marlene wanted to make a cure?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess that’s not gonna happen now.”

He doesn’t say anything else and you leave it.

* * *

You get to Seattle before sundown. Over the years shadows have become your friend and you’re thrilled you can use the darkness to your advantage. You and Adam invaded several camps by stealth before and you mastered the skill of undetectability.

With a few hours before the sunset you and Joel wait it out in the car as you go over the plans of the QZ. It’s hard to know how it looks now with several different leaderships changing things up, but the buildings will likely still be the same. You’ve been to enough of Dirk’s bases to know what he likes. Snipers on rooftops at all times with laser sights. Two entrances/exits to limit the amount of guards needed at the gates. More patrols at night than during the day. That one was added after you and Adam took down everyone in a Texas base, aided only by moonlight.

Joel nods off for a while and jerks awake every now and then.

“Trouble sleeping?” you ask.

He grunts in response.

“I think we should go in on the west side here.” You point on the map where an old checkpoint used to be. “There’ll be traps and alarms but if we’re careful we can avoid them.”

“You did your homework.” He sounds impressed.

“More like I got work experience.”

You’re right that the camp has changed much since it was a QZ. New guard posts are up, but they’re unstable. Temporary, you realize. This place wasn’t made for them to stay long.

You use the binoculars you have stuffed away in your backpack to check out the rooftops. Strangely they’re all devoid of snipers. Either something is wrong or worse – they all already left.

At the checkpoint you spy a tripwire that you point out to Joel. He stays behind as you catch each trap before they can go off including mines and pressure points. You help each other climb over a wall once you find the turnstile is stuck and trying to break it free from the rust would draw too much attention.

The camp is eerily quiet. Normally you hear the boisterous laughter of drunk, off duty guards and smell the smoke of a hot fire. This time there’s nothing. Even as you sneak around in the shadows and crawl under a chain link fence, you find that the entire camp must have been completely evacuated.

“Fuck,” you say. In the mud there’s fresh tire tracks leading out an open gate. “Fuck!”

Somehow someone must have tipped them off. You never left witnesses alive just in case. This was why you didn’t want to wait for backup. Judging by the tracks they likely left not too long before you and Joel arrived. If you had just left when you wanted to, Dirk would be here and you’d slit his throat and be done with it.

Joel is quiet as he does some searching and leaves you alone with your increasing irritability. All you can hope for is that some idiot left a clue behind. If not, you’ll have to go back to Jackson empty handed and the never ending anxiety of when Dirk will make his move.

You follow Joel’s example and start looking around the camp for something, _anything._ A memo, an order, some dumbass’ journal. They left in a hurry and even the smartest person could make a mistake under pressure. You’re frantic and frazzled now as you rip the camp apart. But there’s nothing left. No sign beyond the tire tracks. The entire camp is a ghost town.

If the tracks are still relatively fresh, that means that can’t be that far. They likely wouldn’t go too far out of their way, just enough to regroup. If they’re smart they won’t stay long and they won’t stay together.

While Joel is busy on his own, you start following the tracks with your flashlight.

“Where d’you think you’re going?” Joel calls out.

“I’m following the tracks.”

You hear him start to follow you, his boots squishing in the mud. “And what happens when they disappear?”

“Then I make some educated guesses.”

He quickly catches up to you and grabs your arm. His touch makes your heart leap into your throat, but you pull away.

“What you’re doing is stupid,” he says

“You don’t know, Dirk. You don’t know what he’s capable of.”

Joel still doesn’t seem particularly convinced so you lead him back to the camp where you start searching. There’s always a mass grave somewhere.

You find it sooner rather than later. It’s less of a mass grave and more of a body dump. A giant hole has been dug out in the earth only for those deemed unworthy to be dropped onto the dirt. There’s women, men, children. One looks to be no older than five. All dead and gone. Ordinarily the bodies would’ve been burned, but they must not have had enough time. You’re not sure what’s worse – charcoal bodies burned to a crisp or people who just look like they’re sleeping.

“Jesus…” Joel trails off.

“Do you know how he decides if you’re strong?” You say. “He sees how long you can take torture. You beg, you die. You cry, you die. And sometimes if he really likes you…” You roll up your sleeve to show the slowly fading scars of Dirk’s name carved into your flesh. “Do you understand now why he has to die no matter the cost?”

For a second it almost looks like Joel is close to throwing up but then he closes his eyes and take a deep breath. You didn’t want to have to bring up your past with Dirk. You haven’t even told Tommy the torture you went through at that monster’s hands. You can still feel his breath on you face, the cold betrayal running through your veins. He had been kind to you. He had been compassionate and patient. He made you think that maybe Joel could stay in your past and you could move forward. But he was just another monster.

If Joel still cares about you, if he cares about Ellie and Tommy and everyone else in Jackson, you know he won’t stop until Dirk is dead.

Eventually he speaks. “Let’s follow the tracks.”

#

It’s difficult and slow using the car but Dirk and his people probably don’t realize the mistake they made. This gives you a much needed advantage.

Eventually the mud leads onto a road and tells you which way they went, but the tracks quickly stop after that. Joel drives for a while so you can get some sleep, but it’s hard with the nightmares that plague your mind. Being with Joel makes it a little easier, though. Ellie was right. At least you know he’s got your back, for better or worse.

He wakes you up when you encounter a roadblock that doesn’t look military. Several cars are lined up across the road and white paint reads: THE NEW DAWN IS UPON US.

“Dirk’s men?” Joel surmises.

“Yeah,” you say with a yawn. “Looks like we’re on foot.”

Traveling on foot with Joel again comes easy, to an extent. On one hand, despite the changes in both of you over the years, you’re still on the same wavelength. You both know what the other is about to ask when you encounter an obstacle. Boost me up, help me lift this, come check this out - neither of you have to speak most of the time. 

But on the other hand it’s a helluva lot like when you first set out together. Joel doesn’t talk much and you’re not interested in conversation either. At least back then you didn’t put up with his stoic bullshit and talked his head off anyway. Now you’re not so sure what to feel.

A younger you, a better you, would see this as fate. That maybe there is a higher power that wants you two together. But the you now is different. Cautious, guarded, realistic. Even if you and Joel make it out of this alive and Dirk is in the ground, there’s no way you can stay in Jackson and settle down. Your legs will get restless and your trust is hard to grow so it’d be better for everyone if you leave.

But that’s a problem for a future you.

On foot it’s much colder and it’s only going to get worse. Leaves blow around in the wind and crunch under your feet, so you’re careful where you step and shoot Joel a dirty look every time he makes noise.

“How do we even know we’re going the right way?” says Joel.

“We don’t.”

Joel scoffs and your temper flares again.

“I’m the one who’s been tracking him. You either trust me or you don’t.”

He stays silent but you know he’s thinking. He probably thinks you’re irresponsible and reckless, that you’re needlessly putting your life in danger when there are easier solutions. Maybe he’s right, but that’s not the point. The point is that Joel is following _you_ this time. The power dynamic has changed and he must hate not being in total control of what’s happening. Not that you can fully blame him. But if anything can work out between the two of you, there needs to be trust.

Your knee starts acting up and Joel notices the slight limp in your gait. While you want to push forward, he insists you sit down for even just five minutes. Once the burning in your knee is alleviated somewhat, you’re thankful you listened. Not that you’d ever admit it. Instead you take a sip from your water bottle and wipe your mouth on the back of your hand.

“Ellie told me to ask you about Colorado State University,” you say as Joel checks his ammo. “What happened?”

He frowns and loads up his revolver. “Why?”

“I said you could take care of yourself.”

This makes him laugh and your stomach involuntarily erupts in butterflies making you curse inwardly.

“It’s…a long story.”

“Were you there looking for the lab?”

This catches his interest. “You know about that?”

“I’m a Firefly, remember? I know where most labs and bases are. That one was abandoned a while ago.”

He goes over it briefly. After a tousle with a hunter he fell and impaled himself. Ellie took care of him all winter, nursing him back to health. You try to imagine the girl from Jackson, all alone through the coldest months of the year, the only person she can trust clocked out. No wonder she could get so distant.

“You’re lucky to have her,” you say.

He pauses and doesn’t meet your eyes. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I took you away from her. That wasn’t fair of me.”

“You’re apologizing to _me_?” He cocks and eyebrow.

“Is that a problem?”

“Yes, it’s a problem. You’ve got nothing to apologize for.” He heaves a heavy sigh, shoulders and all. “And I’ve got everything to apologize for.”

You stay silent for a moment, debating on whether or not to drop the conversation. Joel would probably drop it, but you’re not Joel. “Why did you leave?” you ask.

At first you expect him not to answer. This is Joel. He doesn’t do feelings or confrontation. He’s barely made an attempt at even a half-assed apology. Just acknowledging he fucked up isn’t going to cut it.

But then he surprises you.

“Would you believe me if I said I was scared?” he says.

A small laugh escapes your lips. “Joel? Scared?”

“I haven’t had a…” He moves his hands around as he searches for the right word, “ _relationship_ since Sarah’s mom. I was so busy just trying to be there for her and make a living.”

Your heart jumps at the word _relationship_ , but you’re probably reading too much into it. What you had with Joel was _something_ but not a _relationship_. At least you saw it that way. Maybe from Joel’s perspective, things were more serious than you realized. You’re not sure whether that makes you happy or angry.

“And I’m not exactly the… _boyfriend_ type,” he adds.

There your heart goes again. You’re close to cursing him out for not being upfront about his feelings when it actually mattered. Where would you be now if he’d been honest years ago?

“What type are you then?” you ask.

He shrugs. “I don’t know. The widower type I guess.”

“Did you ever think about how it felt for me?” He glances up at you, but the look in your eyes makes him turn away. “I gave everything to you, Joel. And I meant it when I said I love you. That night was the best night I had since this all started and it wasn’t just the sex it was…it was just nice to have someone to be close to. Someone that I cared about and who I thought cared about me.”

You wait in silence for a few seconds, wondering what he’ll say. When he speaks he’s so quiet that you barely hear him.

“Don’t think for one second that I didn’t care about you.”

Tears well up in your eyes and you get up to hide it. With the sun beating down on your exposed skin while the chill wind simultaneously cuts across it, you do your best to pretend the pain in your knee is gone. “Time to get moving.”


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: language, violence

It’s by chance you stumble upon the apartment building. For a few aimless hours you feared you’d have to tell Joel you have no idea where the fuck Dirk had fucked off to. The most likely places would be open and spacious to fit cargo trucks full of people and supplies. You both checked every large place imaginable, only to find nothing in the end.

But then you saw something shiny on the top of an apartment complex and through your binoculars you spotted snipers with laser sighs. _Bingo._

While you’re relieved to be on the right track, there’s a downside – you have no idea what traps lie ahead. You’re used to Dirk’s old camps, but this is a singular building with tight corridors and dozens of windows. It’s unlikely he’s playing hardcore _Home Alone_ , but one wrong move could get you and Joel killed – or worse.

You and Joel scout out the place for a little bit. The binoculars help you mark all the snipers. There’s three on the roof and a few scattered in the area. If you keep to the shadows, it’s possible to avoid their sight.

“What are we looking for, exactly?” Joel asks.

“Anything that can lead us to Dirk or preferably the man himself,” you say. “Just kill any guards or soldiers. They’re too far gone.”

The plan goes by smoothly for the most part. You avoid the snipers and sneak inside the building. The two of you work together to take down Dirk’s men as silently as possible. A single gunshot would alert the entire complex and ruin the whole plan.

It’s easy working with Joel. He may have grown softer over years, but he’s rough when necessary. Both your knives are covered in blood as you sweep one floor of the building. However, despite searching bodies and apartments, there doesn’t seem to be any evidence to point to Dirk’s location. You get your hopes up a bit that he might actually be in the building.

The main problem comes when you and Joel get separated. Or at least forced into separation. After he boosts you up a broken staircase, the floor beneath him gives way and he falls down another floor. You don’t see him as dust and debris fill the air.

“Joel!” you whisper-shout. “Are you okay?”

There’s a few seconds of silence and your blood runs cold. But then he coughs. “I’m good,” he says.

A sigh of relief slips through your lips. The air starts to clear and you see him brushing off his jacket and rotating his arm where he must’ve hit the floor.

“I’ll come down,” you say.

“No!” You’ve already started moving to drop, but Joel’s urgency stops you. Down below he has his hands up to stop you, but he’s looking in a different direction. “I hear soldiers.”

You nod. “Head to the elevators. I’ll meet you there.”

You’ve worked on your own plenty of times before, but not knowing what’s happening to Joel kills you. It’s hard to focus as you quietly move through the corridors toward the elevators. He’s an excellent fighter and a terrifying survivor. He’ll be fine.

Something brings you to a halt. Crying. A child crying.

You follow the sound to the source, only to find makeshift jail cells on either side of the hallway. Each one has infected in. They’ve recently turned, still human like but hungry to take a bite out of you. They claw at the bars of the cells, reaching out toward you and just barely missing.

“What the fuck…” you trail off.

At the end there’s a cell with a little girl in it. She’s wearing a dirty dress and holding a teddy bear and, so far, looks to still be alive. You hurry over to her, heart pounding, and kneel down.

“Hey, are you okay?”  you ask.

“I want my mommy,” she says as she hold the teddy bear as close as possible. Her cheeks are stained with tears.

“Do you know where she is?”

The girl shakes her head. But then you notice it. The bite mark on her shoulder. Your blood goes cold and you’re at a loss for words as your throat closes up. There’s dried blood on the fabric of her dress and for a moment you hope you’re mistaken, but she moves and you see the clear indents of teeth.

“Why don’t you tell me about her?” you say. Your voice wavers more than you intended.

You don’t know what it’s like to turn. Maybe it’s painful. Maybe it’s peaceful. It’s not like you can ask someone when it happens. By then they’re already too sick to remember who you are. It’s possible this little girl doesn’t even know what’s going to happen, but the least you can do is distract her.

She describes her mom, how she has pretty, long hair and bright blue eyes. They lost each other when Dirk’s men arrived. From the sound of it, some of them had already set up camp here before the men from the QZ arrived and took over a small settlement.

The girl tells you how the soldiers took her and promised to take care of her. Then they brought her here and allowed one of the monsters to hurt her. Your fists clench around the bars of the cell. Dirk is going to wish you aren’t the one that finds him.

You stay with her when she turns. It happens quickly, but that doesn’t make it any easier. As she dies she tells you she’s scared, how much she wants her mom. But then it’s over and she’s infected like the rest of them. You slip out your knife as she charges for the bars, forcing you to take a step back. The little girl is gone. She’s a monster now.

All it takes is a simple plunge to the head to end it. But infection doesn’t take much of a physical toll until later. For now she still looks like a child.

You start to wonder what it’s like to have a child in this world. Is it still worth it, even when you know you won’t be able to protect them like you should? You don’t realize you’re crying until your chest heaves and a sob gets caught in your throat. She didn’t deserve this.

When you get to the elevator Joel is already waiting for you. He’s got blood on his shirt, but it doesn’t seem to be his. He lets out a breath the moment he sees you.

“Christ, you scared the shit out of me, you know that?” he says. “I was about to looking for you myself.”

“They’re keeping infected in cages,” you say.

He stops short and a part of you regrets even speaking. What would he have done if you hadn’t interrupted him?

“What?” he says quietly.

“Infected. In cages.” Your voice comes out monotone and now, after crying, you’re exhausted. Emotions always seem to take more of a toll.

Quick, scurried footsteps head your way. Infected? By the time you’ve picked up a discarded 2x4 as a weapon, a perfectly healthy man emerges from the hallway and freezes the moment he sees you.

He says your name like it’s cursed. He knows you and you know him because he’s Dirk’s right hand man. Scrawny and mouselike, his dirty face is contorted into shock. And also the perfect scapegoat.

“Hello, Trevor,” you say, swinging the 2x4 threateningly.

“Oh, God…” He falls to the floor and tries to scramble away.

“I’ll take it as a compliment,” you say.

“Come on, man, you know I don’t give a shit about any of this.” He crawls until his back is pressed against the wall. “I’m just trying to survive.”

“Wanna survive?” You crouch down in front of him, your shadow over his body. “Answer all my questions and I won’t cut out your tendons.”

“Jesus Christ, you’re insane.”

A smile pulls at your lips. “Just trying to survive.”

“Shit, shit, shit.” He nods. “Okay, fine.”

“Where’s Dirk?”

Now he shakes his head. “That I can’t tell you.”

You straighten and pick up an overturned chair. “Joel, restrain him.”

Joel doesn’t hesitate. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Hey, wait, hold on!” cries Trevor.

Joel roughly pulls him up and plops him down on the chair before binding his hands with torn fabric. He doesn’t fight it because as much as the bastard is a bastard, he’s still smart.

“You’re both fucking insane,” he says. “You know that? Fucking. Insane.”

You grab your own chair and spin it so that when you sit down your arms hang over the back. “Here’s how this is gonna work,” you say. “I ask you a question. You answer truthfully. You refuse to answer or you lie to me…” You plunge your knife into his thigh, just above the knee making him scream out in pain before Joel muffles the sound from behind. “You understand?”

Trevor nods fervently and you remove the knife as Joel steps back. “Yes! Yes, I understand. Please, just – just don’t kill me.”

“We’ll see how this goes. Where’s Dirk?”

“Not here.”

“Then where is he?”

“He’s – goddammit, he’s hiding out in some bunker an old lunatic owned before the outbreak.”

“You telling me he’s scared?”

“Of course he’s fucking scared! You and Adam have taken out dozens of our best soldiers and you’re gunning for him next.”

“Where’s the bunker?”

“Don’t know.” You raise the knife again and he starts to squirm. “I swear I don’t know! It’s a secret, no one knows. That’s the whole fucking point.”

“What’s he planning?”

“You mean is he planning on taking out Tommy? He is.”

“When?”

“I don’t fucking know! He’s gonna need time. Some of his soldiers are getting freaked. A good chunk have already deserted. No one’s gonna attack Tommy if you’re still alive.”

You stifle an aggravated sigh. This isn’t what you wanted to hear, but if Trevor is to be trusted, then there’s not much else you’re going to get out of him. Dirk was always paranoid – you wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to hide out until the coast is clear.

“That just leaves one more question,” you say. “If you’re willing to sell out Dirk, how am I supposed to believe you won’t go crawling back to warn him?”

As you get up, knife in hand, he starts to realize what’s about to happen. “No! Wait!”

His pleas fall on deaf ears as you stop behind him and run your knife against his throat. He makes a couple of gurgling noises as he quickly bleeds out before going limp in his seat.

“So what now, boss?” asks Joel.

Your temper starts the best of you. “It’s a dead end. Fuck!” You go to kick something and let out the steam, but there’s still soldiers in the building so you stop, your foot already in midair. You slowly place it back on the ground and stretch out your fingers before curling them into fists. “It’s a dead end.”

You sit back down in your chair, your back to Trevor’s body. Frustrated, you bury your face in your palms, but the moment you close your eyes you see that little girl. Course, calloused hands pull yours away and you find Joel kneeling in front of you.

“We should go back to Jackson,” you say, getting up to avoid his gaze. “There’s nothing else for us to do here.”

Joel doesn’t say anything as you wipe the blood off your knife on Trevor’s clothes. But then there’s a loud breath and he’s pushing you down on the ground, just as the window shatters and a bullet grazes your shoulder. He’s on top of you as several more bullets come through the walls, but they all seem to miss. There’s silence for a few moments save for the sound of your breathing.

You both stay low as you sneak out of the room and into an empty hallway. There’s no window that can be seen through a vantage point. Joel guides you into an apartment and goes searching for first aid.

You sit down on the bed and slip off your jacket but unfortunately you’re wearing a turtleneck underneath so just pulling down the shirt is out of the question and there’s nothing but a bra below it. Of course, you have the option of telling Joel just to leave it, but that opens you up to infection.

Joel returns with a small first-aid kit and sits down next to you before placing it on the comforter. Before he has a chance to point it out, you make the choice to pull off the sweater. It’s hard, given the pain from your wound, but also because of the last time Joel saw you like this. The setting, of course, isn’t anywhere near as intimate or arousing. He’s not giving you a private performance on the guitar and there isn’t that totally built up sexual frustration, but there’s still something weird about it. You’re not insecure to let him see you without a shirt on, but there’s still a part of you that wishes this were under different circumstances.

“Thanks for saving my ass,” you say with an attempt to lighten the mood.

Joel disinfects your wound and prepares to stitch it closed. “I owed you.”

He’s so close to you that the inevitable thoughts start swirling in your head. Right now, you’ve got no one to interrupt you. Most of the soldiers are dead and if any find bodies, they’ll likely run instead of investigate. You’re on a bed with your shirt off and Joel is close enough that you could just turn your head and kiss him. The thought is dangerously tempting.

“I’m sorry about dragging you into all of this,” you say. “When we get back you can stay with Ellie. I’m sure Adam will be feeling better.”

“And what happens if you die out there?” he asks.

“Everybody dies, Joel.”

You almost hear him clenching his jaw. He continues on in silence and you clench your fist with each pinch of the needle.

This closeness with Joel becomes borderline unbearable. You know better than to give in, but is holding back worth it? For all you know, the two of you could be dead by this time tomorrow. You don’t want to die with regret hanging over your head. But what if you make a move and he doesn’t reciprocate? What if he’s completely over his infatuation with you and that spark will never come back? But what if you don’t _try_?

Your heart is pounding painfully loud and fast like it’s going to burst. Maybe it will. Joel finishes up and cleans the blood off your wound before applying a bandage. He keeps his eyes forward like a gentleman. Somehow that just makes it worse for you.

“Good as new,” he says softly.

Just as he’s reaching for your shirt you take his face into your hands and press your lips to his. They’re warm, familiar, safe. He’s a bit confused at first but quickly catches on. To your surprise he doesn’t pull away, but he also doesn’t melt the way you want him to. He’s guarded and careful, his hands just hovering above your hips.

He doesn’t stop you as you inch closer and closer to him until you take a chance and straddle his lap. He finally touches you, his fingers skirting over your bare skin. Your body temperature has risen considerably due to the arousal and panic. Everywhere he touches is like fire. It’s been so long since someone has been so gentle with you, careful not to startle you or push too far.

Your own fingers are tangled in his hair as your horny high school make out session continues. Joel becomes more comfortable and wraps his arms around you, pulling you flush against his body. His beard tickles your skin. When you finally pull back for air, you’re so incredibly tempted to go to the next base right then and there, but this isn’t the right place for that, even if driving back to Jackson will be torturous.

“We should probably head home,” says Joel.

You nod, your voice lost. You get off of him and pull your shirt back on, careful of your injury. When you’re ready you meet Joel out in the hallway and he offers you the tiniest of smiles.

And you smile back, your lips still warm from his.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: language

The ride back to Jackson is…weird. You’re not sure if it’s good or bad.

On one hand, the tension between you and Joel has subsided a bit. You haven’t exactly forgiven him, but you’re tired of being mad. At least it’s given Joel a taste of his own medicine. It’s easy to remember how stubborn he was in your time together, how hard it was to pull back the barriers he spent years building. He should consider himself lucky you’re not gunning for more.

For most of the ride you catch up on some much needed sleep. Joel is quiet, but it’s not an awkward silence, so at least there’s that. But then you start wondering what happens when you get back. You’re not going to stop looking for Dirk, but the trail has run painfully cold. There’s got to be some maps where you can start looking at possible locations of this bunker.

On the upside, he’ll likely stay in hiding for a while. If he’s smart, he’ll wait until he thinks you’ve given up.

But that means aimlessly waiting and that isn’t really your specialty.

What also isn’t your specialty, or at least this post-apocalypse you, is dealing with whatever relationship you and Joel have. During the ride it crosses your mind over and over again. Are you really willing to try with him again? Neither of you have really had a real conversation about what happened and if you end up staying in Jackson for a while, it’ll inevitably come up.

When you get back Tommy asks you both questions and Joel answers them, but your mind is elsewhere. There’s a part of you that wonders if this is your chance at some semblance of peace. Maybe Dirk will disappear forever and you can settle down at last and have a, somewhat, normal life. You hate to think that the ship has completely sailed.

After you’ve briefed Tommy you stop by the clinic to see Adam. He’s recovered mostly, though he still walks around on a crutch.

“Look at you!” he exclaims. “I figured I wouldn’t be seeing you again."

 _Ouch._ “I see you’re back on your feet,” you say.

“I’m getting there. So what happened?”

You give him a shortened version of the story that excludes making out with Joel. Every time you think about it your stomach erupts in butterflies. You feel too old to be acting this way but somehow Joel just brings out the teenager in you. It’s almost like having a first crush again. You’re almost excited to go find him, maybe sit down for a meal together. You’re starving for a bit of domesticity with him, something you had hoped for years ago in New York. He took it all away, but maybe he can make it up to you now.

Once night comes there’s the issue of where you’re going to be sleeping. It’s not like the town has a hotel and while Tommy offers you a spot in his house, it feels wrong.

“You could always come stay with us,” says Ellie.

You shake your head. “No, that’s not fair.”

“C’mon! We’ve got room.”

You look to Joel who just shrugs. Ultimately, it’s your decision and you decide to cave. There’s only two bedrooms and Joel suggests you stay in his bed, but you decline. Of course, as you get comfortable on the couch, you begin to wonder if Joel meant sleeping next to him or not which leaves you laying away for hours wondering if you ended up insulting him.

* * *

You’re awake before them. The sun is just barely peeking through the windows so you quietly head downstairs. While it’s nice to have electricity, there’s still no heating, so you’re freezing without your jacket. You don’t own much, including clothes, so if you’re going to be staying then you’ll need to grab some on a run.

As you’re eating breakfast a tired Ellie comes in, her hair a mess. She yawns as she gets her own meal ready.

“Sleep well?” you ask.

She groans in response. It’s actually kind of nice being around a kid. You’ve spent most of your time with adults over the years so you’re a bit burned out. Ellie’s eyes are still relatively fresh, especially compared to yours. She’s likely seen the horrors of the world, but that doesn’t stop her from putting a smile on her face.

Joel comes down shortly after and your heart leaps into your throat. This is a Joel you haven’t seen before. Pajama-clad, bare feet, bed hair. You’ve spent what seems like endless nights with him, but this is the most _normal_ you’ve ever seen. There’s something vulnerable about it that you nearly start choking on your breakfast. He’s still half asleep, moving like a robot as he grabs an apple and goes back upstairs.

“You okay?” asks Ellie. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

After clearing your throat you tell her, “I’m fine.”

* * *

Running water. How much you’ve missed running water and how fortunate Jackson is to have it. You can’t believe that you’re showering, even as the water runs over your hair and your skin. It’s not real warm, but you don’t care. It’s better than waiting for the rain or looking for some lake or river. It’s another thing you took for granted pre-apocalypse.

When you’re finished you dry off and let your hair air dry as get dressed and head downstairs. Joel is packing a bag while Ellie stands on the other side of the counter, stretching across it like she’s struggling to climb up.

“Just hold your horses,” he says.

“I _can’t_ hold my _horses_ , Joel," she whines. "I’ve been stuck inside this fucking town for too long.”

“Yeah, well, now’s your chance to get out.”

A weird feeling replaces the butterflies. You detect a hint of jealousy rearing its ugly green head as you remember that Joel and Ellie have gone through their own trauma together, making you some weird third wheel. But at the same time its sweet watching their interactions, Joel being patient while Ellie clearly is not.

She spots you standing in the doorway and your instinct is to turn and leave, but her voice stops you.

“You wanna come fishing with us?” she asks.  

“It’s fine, I don’t want to intrude,” you say, shaking your head.

Joel says your name. “You ain’t intruding.”

Ellie comes over and pulls on your arm, forcing you forward. “It’ll be _fun._ ”

“I’ve never really been into fishing. I don’t even know how.”

“I didn’t know how either, but then Joel taught me. It was pretty gross at first. Actually, it’s still pretty gross.”

“You’re not doing a good job selling it to me.”

“Just trust me. You’ll like it.”

They both grab their rods and you get the extra. _Third wheel_ , you think bitterly. But Ellie is excited that you’re tagging along. Before leaving Joel makes sure Ellie has a coat on.

“It’s not that cold out,” she says.

“Fine, but I’m not giving you mine if you get cold.”

“Pssh. You always give me your coat.”

You take a stop at the armory where Joel grabs a rifle for both you and himself. Ellie gets a handgun that she quickly stuffs into the waistband of her jeans. Outside the wall they lead you into the forest toward a nearby creek.

“I’m gonna scout ahead, find us a good spot,” says Joel. He disappears into the trees while you and Ellie slowly follow.

“So I’ve been dying to ask you this,” she says. “Were you and Joel sleeping together?”

You choke on your own spit out of surprise. “Excuse me?”

“I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. It’s just that Joel is really cagey and Tommy says it’s not his place.”

“We were – it’s not – it’s complicated.”

“Ah. Most things are with him.”

Time for a change of subject. “So you don’t like fishing but you do it anyway?”

She sighs. “Yeah. It’s not like there’s a whole lot to do around here. It’s better than Boston, I guess.”

“There has to be something you do for fun.”

She thinks for a moment. “I like comics. Can’t ever find a full set, though.”

“What kind of comics?”

“Savage Starlight.”

“Did you read the issue where Daniela gets sent back in time to the 60s?”

The look of shock on her face is priceless. She even stops walking for a moment and has to run to catch up with you. “No way, you read them too?”

“Had a whole collection back home. Endure and survive, right?”

“That’s awesome!” She shakes her head. “Joel brings me issues when he finds them, but he doesn’t get it.”

“Well, lucky for you, _I_ do. They even made a movie adaptation a while ago. It was terrible.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“There’s a movie night here, right? If I find a copy I’ll bring it to you.”

“Okay, you’re my new best friend now.”

* * *

Ellie ends up teaching you how to fish while Joel waits patiently for a bite. You catch him watching a few times and when you have trouble hooking the bait you want to smack that smirk off his face. In jest, of course. This is easily the most normal thing you’ve done together in a long time.

“And then you just throw it and wait,” says Ellie.

“This doesn’t bode well for a short attention span," you say.

The three of you spend several hours out there at the creek, barely getting any bites but having a nice time together. Ellie rambles quite a bit about what she and Joel went through in their journey together. She avoids talking about the winter months, though, but you don’t press her. If she wants to tell you, she’ll tell you when she’s ready.

That night you unsurprisingly eat fish. Adam comes over for a bite and when he tries to take more of his share Ellie smacks his hand away. It’s the closest you’ve had to a family dinner in ages for a moment you can just revel in the peacefulness of it.

Ellie falls asleep on the couch, so Joel carries her up to her room and when he returns it’s just the two of you. The tension quickly builds and soon its suffocating you.

“Thanks for coming with,” he says as he takes his place next to you on the couch. “I’m sure Ellie appreciated it.”

You nod. “She’s a good kid.”

“Yeah.” There’s a brief pause. “How long you gonna stay?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

He clears his throat. “You know I – I don’t think I’ve properly apologized.”

“You haven’t.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. Leaving you was easily one of the worst mistakes I ever made.”

It's good to hear him say it even if it doesn't change anything. That hurt will probably always be there, but it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to. And judging by the way he keeps staring at the cracking fire in front of you, he really does feel guilty about it. 

“I suppose it turned out good in the end, right?" you say. "Who knows where Ellie would be if it weren’t for you.”

“I guess.”

“And I’m tired of being angry about it. I think we should start fresh.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? How so?”

“We move forward. We stop holding onto anger and guilt and start looking toward some kind of future.”

“Does the future include what happened in that apartment?”

Your heart jumps. “Do you want it to?”

“Maybe.”

He’s closer than he was before or maybe you’re the one who moved. Dammit. “No! No, we need to start fresh and set boundaries and-” You stop and look at him. “Oh fuck it.”

He’s ready when you capture his lips with yours. Setting boundaries is good, but you know you won’t be able to help yourself. Even after all this time, you’re still so deeply in love with him and you know he feels some way similar about you. He _wants_ to kiss you, he _wants_ to live with you. Maybe he even wants you in his bed.

That night you do sleep next to him, though fully clothed. You don’t want to rush into things too fast this time, but it’s nice to have his warm body by your side again. When you wake up in the morning, he’s still there.

For now, you can allow yourself a little bit of happiness. You just hope it lasts.


End file.
